The Apprentice's Nick Hewer on the most irritating office jargon

Is your office suffering from a case of “social notworking”? Perhaps a “drainstorm” has sucked the life out of meeting.

They’re just two of the top ten most irritating modern office jargon as identified by a survey from UKTV channel Dave to promote the launch of its legal comedy drama, Suits series 3.

Star of the BBC’s The Apprentice, Nick Hewer, runs down the top ten in the video above.

The list reads:

1. Social Notworking – Messing around on Facebook and Twitter to avoid doing work – 26%
2. Déjà Brew – offering to make someone a cup of tea when you know for a fact they’ve just had one in the hope they will decline - 21%
3. Blue sky drinking – An unlimited free bar at a work party – 18%
4. Drainstorm – a poorly organised workshop, where everyone leaves feeling deflated – 15%
5. Human Desourcing – sacking people – 12%
6. Jambivalence – ignoring a printer blockage in the hope that someone else will fix it 12%
7. Google Naps – using Google to work out what time colleagues in the US will be sleeping, to avoid them replying to emails – 11%
8. W.T.F?! – the realisation that it is only Tuesday, and you have ‘Wednesday, Thursday, Friday?!’ still to do - 9%
9. Stock Home Syndrome – pinching stuff from the office - 7%
10. Shout-of-office – Someone who wants every single person in the building to know they are off on holiday – 6%

Modern jargon that just misses out on a top ten placing includes, ‘Procaffeinating’ (5%), the act of going to make a coffee in order to put off doing a job you really don’t want to for another five minutes, ‘Tupperwarfare’, the fight to find space for your lunch in the communal fridge (5%), and ‘Velodrones’, particularly boring people who cycle to work and spend lots of time trying to convert colleagues to cycling (4%).

Interestingly several new phrases related to the Anglo/American working relationship including both ‘Google Naps’ and ‘Catching Some Z’s’ – a new term referring to the need to painstakingly change the z’s on American documents into S’s (3%) making the long list.

The study reveals that it’s the men at work who are most likely to use jargon on a regular basis (43% compared with 11% of women). The sales team is the most likely department to use office jargon (51%), followed by marketing/ creatives (37%) and IT (29%).

Steve North, general manager of UKTV channel Dave said: “Office workers may find jargon irritating after hearing it for the tenth time in a day but no one can deny that workplace jargon has also got wittier and funnier over the years.

“Our advice would be to stop procaffeinating, escape the drainstorm and indulge in some Social Notworking as you watch the new series of Suits on Dave on Demand from the comfort of your desk!”